When I first started coaching, I thought the best way to help my clients was by offering solutions or ideas they hadn’t considered. After all, as a coach, you want to add value, right? But I quickly learned that sometimes the most powerful transformation comes from the simplest question. One day, during a session with a client who was feeling overwhelmed by her workload, I asked: “What do you want?”
The client paused for what seemed like an eternity, and when he finally spoke, his answer was: “I don’t know.” In that moment, I realized I had hit a blindspot—something he hadn’t thought about or confronted. He had been operating on autopilot, caught up in the demands of daily life without reflecting on what truly mattered to him.
That single question, “What do you want?” became a turning point for both of us. It wasn’t about advice or solutions; it was about getting him to think, reflect, and gain clarity. It was about making him aware of a blindspot that had been holding him back.
In this article, we’ll explore why this seemingly simple question can be one of the most powerful tools in a coach’s or leader’s toolkit. We’ll also dive into the psychology of blindspots, research on self-awareness, and actionable strategies for using this question to challenge clients and help them grow.
Table of Contents
Understanding Blindspots: The Gap Between Intention and Reality
Before diving into how to use the question effectively, it’s essential to understand the concept of blindspots. A blindspot is an area in our lives where we lack awareness—something we don’t see about ourselves that others often do. It’s where our intentions and actions don’t align, but we’re not aware of the discrepancy.
Blindspots are not just individual; they’re universal. Research from Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist and author of Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think, shows that 95% of people believe they are self-aware, but only about 10-15% truly are. This gap means that most of us are walking around with significant blindspots, affecting how we interact with the world, make decisions, and pursue our goals. Read about the research here.
Blindspots can range from small habits that undermine our relationships to major career decisions that aren’t aligned with our values. For example, someone may think they’re working hard to advance in their career, but in reality, they may be driven by fear of failure rather than a genuine desire for growth. They may not even realize it until someone—a coach or leader—helps them become aware of it.
The Power of Asking, “What Do You Want?”
So, why is the question “What do you want?” so powerful in uncovering blindspots?
- It forces self-reflection: Many people don’t take the time to reflect on what they truly want. Life can become a cycle of reacting to external demands, expectations, and pressures. This question compels people to pause and evaluate their desires from an authentic place.
- It exposes misalignments: Often, what people say they want and what they are actually working towards are two different things. Asking this question can reveal where their actions and goals are out of sync with their inner desires.
- It builds self-awareness: Asking what someone wants brings clarity to what drives them. It helps them see beyond surface-level wants and dig deeper into their values and motivations.
Real-Life Example: A Turning Point in Coaching
In my early coaching career, I worked with a client, let’s call him Raj, who was a high-performing manager. He was on the verge of burnout and constantly complained about feeling overwhelmed by the demands of his role. Raj had a long list of things he wanted—promotion, recognition, and success. But something wasn’t adding up.
During one session, I simply asked, “Raj, what do you really want?” He listed off some predictable goals, but when I pushed him to dig deeper, he hesitated. Eventually, he admitted that what he truly wanted was balance. He wanted to spend more time with his family, take care of his health, and feel more in control of his life. But because he had never stopped to ask himself this question, he was chasing external markers of success rather than pursuing what truly mattered to him.
That moment of clarity was a breakthrough. We began working on strategies to help him realign his actions with his true desires, and Raj was able to make decisions that led to a more fulfilling, balanced life.
The Lesson: Blindspots Keep Us Stuck—Awareness Sets Us Free
The question “What do you want?” is not about obtaining immediate answers but about creating a space for reflection. Many clients, like Raj, get caught up in chasing goals that they think they should achieve—whether those are career milestones, financial success, or personal achievements. But what they fail to realize is that blindspots can derail their efforts if those goals don’t align with their core values or true desires.
It’s not that people don’t want to be self-aware; it’s that self-awareness can be uncomfortable. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, talks about the concept of “emotional blindspots,” where our emotional reactions—like anger or anxiety—often cloud our judgment. By helping people identify their emotional triggers, leaders and coaches can assist them in making more rational decisions. Read more about Goleman’s work here.
The key is that self-awareness isn’t just about understanding our emotions but about understanding our motivations and the unconscious drivers behind our actions.
Actionable Advice: How to Use “What Do You Want?” to Challenge Blindspots
Now that we understand the power of this question, let’s dive into some actionable strategies for coaches and leaders to use it effectively:
1. Create a Safe Space for Reflection
Many clients will struggle to answer this question right away. They may feel pressured to provide an immediate response, but it’s important to give them time. Silence is your friend here. Encourage them to sit with the question and reflect deeply.
2. Challenge Surface-Level Responses
Often, clients will provide initial answers that are vague or based on external expectations, like “I want to be successful” or “I want to be happy.” Instead of accepting these at face value, challenge them to get more specific. What does success look like for you? How will you know when you’ve achieved happiness? Keep asking follow-up questions to help them uncover the deeper motivations.
3. Use the Question to Set Goals
Once a client has a clear sense of what they truly want, use that as a foundation for goal-setting. Help them identify actions that align with their core desires and set measurable milestones that will keep them accountable. Clarity breeds progress, and when clients have clarity on what they want, they are more likely to stay motivated and focused.
4. Revisit the Question Over Time
As people grow and evolve, so do their desires. It’s essential to revisit this question periodically. What do you want now? This helps clients stay aligned with their goals as they progress through different stages of life.
The Takeaway: A Simple Question with Profound Impact
The question “What do you want?” may seem basic on the surface, but its impact can be profound. It forces clients to confront blindspots, reflect deeply, and gain clarity on their true desires. As coaches and leaders, our job is not to provide answers but to guide people toward greater self-awareness and alignment with their authentic goals.
In the fast-paced world we live in, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters. But by taking the time to ask this powerful question, we can help people uncover the blindspots that hold them back and empower them to create meaningful, lasting change.
Are you ready to start asking the tough questions?
References:
- Eurich, Tasha. Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think. Link to the book.
- Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. Explore his work here.
